All my life, I’ve been told I’m too much…too big a personality…too large a body…too much the center of attention…too pretty for my own good…too loud…too high a sex drive…too big an eater…too threatening to the boys…too strong…too hairy…too big a risk-taker…I could go on and on.
I’ve been hearing these messages since I was a little girl, and at that age, it felt like rejection when I was told I was too much of anything– it felt like love being taken away.
And so I did what so many of us do, I started hiding. I dressed in baggy, black tshirts to hide my body, I moderated my voice to be quieter, I deferred to the boys, I stopped playing sports, I didn’t privilege my own sexual pleasure, I spent thousands of dollars on laser hair removal (this one I’m totally ok with having done!), I worked in jobs filled with security and stability that made me feel dead inside.
I took injections, swallowed pills, exercised until I puked, and starved myself until I passed out.
Every action I took to stop being “too much” was me telling myself that I wasn’t good enough. That I wasn’t worthy. That I couldn’t be happy until I became someone different. And I listened to those messages and internalized them.
Until I went on a leadership retreat and WOKE THE F*CK UP!
This awakening started my personal development journey. Over the course of several years, I did deep work to heal and learn from past wounds. I discovered that I have binge eating disorder and changed my relationship with food. I divorced two husbands who were not the right fit for me (I had to learn this lesson twice!).
I reconnected to my body and developed a profound appreciation for how incredible it is, and I began to love it and care for it (I even led a naked workshop AND did a boudoir photo shoot!).
I left a 6-figure Sales Director job, became a Certified Coach, studied Transformational Leadership, and am currently becoming a Certified Neuroscience Coach. All so that I can devote my life to supporting other women on their journeys to become “Curvy & Confident…from the Boardroom to the Bedroom”.
And, most importantly, I finally(!) let go of being a people-pleaser and now surround myself with friends and family who truly support me and act as my biggest fans and most honest mirrors.
This week, while taping my Celebrity Makeover (inspired by Melissa McCarthy) for The Marilyn Dennis Show, I gave myself permission to fully show up as the bold, sassy, sexy, and proud woman that I am. I had moments of doubt (damn, those inner gremlins die hard!) and even asked The show’s producer if she was ABSOLUTELY SURE she wanted me to bring ALL of me out.
She gave me a beautiful gift with her “yes” because it invited me to step into my authentic confidence and receive more confirmation that I am not “too much”. I am worthy of love, exactly as I am.
And so are you. <3
Boudoir photo by Crave Boudoir